In 1823, a group of men went on an expedition, hoping to capture and slaughter animals for their fur. They crossed the uncharted Dakotas on foot, in the blistering icy cold, with the guidance of dauntless frontiersman Hugh Glass. This is his tale.
Well, we were
Out looking for pelts in the uncharted Northern Plains
When the Arikara came and splattered half of our brains
With their machetes and their arrows whizzing right next to me I said “oh hell no” and I made a beeline straight for the sea!
A wooden ship took us to safety and we walked to our base
That’s when a man named John Fitzgerald got all up in my face He said “now i should be-a leading us, i know that much is evident”
I’d like ta see you try, cause I’m the Revenant!
I scouted through the woods for a path to the east
That’s when my footsteps rustled grass and thus awakened a beast I took aim as he charged, then I fell as I fired
And we danced a little dance until he slowly expired
But not before he grabbed my hair and tore it away
He julienned my fucking skin like he was Chef Bobby Flay
I was attacked, and scratched, and mauled, my bones were beaten and bent
It’d stop a normal man but not The Revenant!
I lied there and I waited for my crew to arrive
Our captain sentenced men to stay behind and keep me alive But then Fitzgerald up and mutinied and murdered my kid
Then he buried me to death, at least he thinks that he did
I dragged myself to safety while my body was numb
It was my second coming (hey that’s where the title is from!)
And now we’ve got ourselves a feud, only blood will settle it
‘Cause now that man done fucked with The Revenant!
Left for dead, all alone, but I'm here again
I got by on the kindness of a Native American
(Ooh, I hate that indian!) That’s not politically correct,
But in-de-end he’ll be the one who’s being hung by his neck!
When I got back to my fort the crew unknowingly gasped
Then we saw Fitzgerald left and chased him closely, and fast!
I had in my sights, I knew his death would be imminent
It’s now Fitzgerald versus The Revenant!
Fitzgerald took a jab and I returned every blow
We were trading bloody hits through the cold winter snow
I paused for just a moment, before taking his life
I know it wouldn’t resurrect my son, or even my wife
Pushed him down the river ’til he stopped in a bay
Where the Arikara scalped him but allowed me to stay
And now I’ve had my victory, alone in the elements
spike the lens, we roll the credits, That’s “The Revenant!”
Wait wait wait, hold on a second
That’s right, me from the movies. Now, Academy members, hold up. Before you finish this song, I just wanted to share a few facts that might impress you. Did you know this movie was real hard to film? We only shot on natural sunlight, 90 minutes a day. We were real cold, and tired, and mad all the time. I ate a bison’s liver and slept in its body, naked. If you saw me crying, I did that for real, no stunt tears. Jumped a cliff on a horse-
(Wait... wait- wh- wait, What? Why do you care what the Academy thinks?)
I don’t do it for the money, I don’t do it for fame
I do it all for baloney reasons, and it’s got a first name
It’s Oscar! I love it, I know I’d go wild
I’d even play a mentally-disabled Iowa child
I would shoot basketballs and needles on the big silver screen
I’d play a youth where civil blood makes civil hands unclean
I’d play the son of Meryl Streep and I would let go of Rose,
I’d save beaches, pose as teachers, fight historical foes
Be a smart OCD pilot, a Bostonian cop
I would destroy the diamond trade or kiss Kate Winslet a lot
Search an island, or I’d jump in people’s dreams and start rocking them Play the president or make a slave out of Kerry Washington
I’ll be Gatsby, Jordan Belfort, both could be a bit funny
Hell I’ll play a bunch of young white men whose problems are money
I would eat a bison’s liver and I’d sleep on some ice
I swear I’d do any of these things twice if you’d just
Gimme that goooooooooooold!
Oh actually, I could be a producer, too..